It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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