pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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