that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
