Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
