i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
