I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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