Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
