Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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