She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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