Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
