I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i think i just lost a toe
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
