I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
