There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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