I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
