The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
