I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
