Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
