Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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