when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
