I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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