I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
