you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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