we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
