The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
