She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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