I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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