Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
