I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
