College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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