final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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