I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Soap is not a condiment
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
