There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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