dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Will exercising make me less horny?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
