how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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