I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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