I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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