His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
