remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
