Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he was CRYING into my vagina
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
