Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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