sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
