my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
