i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
