So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
