Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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