at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
