If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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