Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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