Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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