please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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