Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
