what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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