She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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