So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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