Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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