So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
