the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
