Four minutes until I can fart!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
