She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
