You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
