yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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