My first STD was from a foam party
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
