can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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