Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
