I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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